Challenges for Siblings and Parents

I have found that attending to the balance of the whole family system is crucial to the child’s progress and improvement. Children and adolescents cannot be expected to make behavioral and emotional changes in a vacuum. Naturally, when considerable energy, resources, and time become focused on the child in distress, the needs of other family members are often overlooked.

Siblings’ needs, roles, and identities can also be greatly affected when one child’s struggles absorb the family’s energy and focus. As a result of these imbalances, siblings can sometimes drift into unhealthy patterns of attention-seeking, caretaking, withdrawal, self-sacrifice, or acting-out. Part of my work in restoring the family balance involves helping parents to remain connected to each of their other children as individuals.

I encourage parents to:

• Create and maintain a regular check-in to give siblings time and opportunity to express their feelings, discuss daily events, plan for their activities, get help with homework, etc
• Acknowledge and praise their strengths as a means to bolster self-esteem and emphasize their unique value  
• Develop awareness of harmful behavior patterns that siblings display, and to replace these with more positive, adaptive coping skills 

Parents give so much to the child in need that they often forget to nurture themselves and their partner; or worse, find they are more frequently feeling depleted, despairing or at odds with one another. Change can become harder to achieve when parents’ strengths are drained away by negativity and conflict. I believe parents also need ongoing support, guidance, and encouragement to rebuild and maintain their own sense of hope and self-worth.

I have helped many parents to:

• Eliminate guilt, hopelessness, and other self-defeating thoughts that contribute to stress, fatigue, and detachment
• Stop counterproductive relational and child-rearing patterns and learn new, effective skills that promote attachment, confidence, and positive self-esteem
• Learn to identify and acknowledge “small wins” that can positively alter the family’s course and become the building blocks for more profound, sustained change

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